between us.

Friday, March 26, 2010 @ 12:42 AM

I'm seriously fucking depressed luh! Why is life such a bitch sometimes? It was so disheartening seeing my grandma in that state just now. No she isn't in the hospital or wadeva, but her doctor recently told her that her kidneys were failing and, that's really fucked up news luh. She's been there for me my whole life, and she's probably done more for me than my parents! Sure she isn't perfect, what with her constant tantrums and bickering with everyone in the house. And sometimes she can be downright inconsiderate, not even sparing a single thought for others around her who love her with all their hearts. But despite all the problems she gives her own children, she has always been there for me, without fail. When I was admitted in the hospital, it was her who was always beside me, despite her failing health. Since there wasn't a maid in my house at that time, it was always her who took the trouble to go down and buy me food that I had craving for, since I was unable to walk much. She did all of this, despite the fact that it was a serious burden to her. Love? Yes, that's what love does to a person. I was always her favourite grandson, being the first of the many grandchildren she has. Despite all the moodswings I had myself, being in the sorry state that I was in after the incident, she put up with it and gave me all the privacy I needed even though it meant she couldn't watch the tv in my room, which was the tv she prefered watching. But yet I walked out on her, and left the house just because of the constant fights that took place between her and my uncle. No, she wasn't limping or any of that sort today. But I could see that she was genuinely depressed and scared. She always puts up a brave front but today, all that gave way and showed how afraid she really was inside. And it really broke my heart seeing her like that. She was just so depressed and afraid. And I started to notice how old she really was! Slowly and bit by bit, my grandma is leaving me. I really want to be with her now more than ever, but things are just so complicated! Argh I really don't know what to do! But today I really woke up from the dream that I was always in. How naive I've been, thinking that I would always have people like my grandma and aunt around, to fall back on whenever I needed help. I'm really in tears now, but that isn't going to mean a difference or help my grandma. I pray to god that the test she took at the hospital will show that her kidneys aren't failing and she'll be fine. i want her to see me graduate and be someone in life! That's what she always wanted! It was today that I finally saw things in a totally new light. May god bless! I love you nana!